Wednesday, November 18, 2015

So, apparently I have become complacent in the apparent lack of evil invasions lately.

Autumn has been a long time in coming to Central Texas. The nights are slowly getting cooler, but not cold enough (yet) to knock off the flying vampires who swarm in the early evenings threatening to turn every inch of exposed flesh into an itchy, swollen, anemic wasteland. Also, my son has discovered a show called Monsters Inside Me. They talk about parasites and all the joys that mosquitoes and the like heap onto people, so not only is there now physical discomfort from bites, there’s also the psychological certainty that you’re about to die.

Still, it’s been a while since I saw an Overlord of Evil (scorpion) in the house.

That is until yesterday morning.

Every morning, Steve and I sit on our back porch and drink our coffee/have breakfast while talking and watching the birds and wild life. There’s a buck that has graced us with his presence a few times now, which is pretty freakin’ magical. So yesterday, I opened the back door to go out, when an Overlord of Evil made a mad dash towards me! He was running at full steam letting out a war cry of “AAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!” Of course, you couldn’t really hear it because they’re tiny and scream at a frequency that humans can’t really hear, but trust me, it was there!

Did I mention it’s been getting colder? Well, like many females, I have a condition that my husband refers to as ice cube foot. Actually, he doesn’t say it out loud, but I know he’s thinking it in the middle of the night when my feet turn into heat seeking missiles and find him. The point is, I’m now wearing slippers in the morning. Slippers with soles. Slippers that had a squelched Overlord of Evil on the bottom of them because it’s just not ok to run into a person’s house before they’ve had a sip of coffee screaming, “AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!” This is not a polite thing to do!

Honestly, etiquette is not dead. Manners matter people!

I don’t care the particular brand of evil anymore; I’ve had enough of it. If evil comes tearing into my personal space, be it an Overlord, a minion, ISIS, the IRA, the MLB, whatever! It will become a squelch on my slipper that will subsequently be ground into the grass because I don’t even want that shit touching my foot covering of blissful warmth. Unless it’s a flying harpy of blood sucking demons, and then that’s getting squelched on my hand and washed off ‘cause that’s personal!

As an aside, it was 4 degrees Celsius last night. There is hope spreading throughout the land that it’s getting cold enough to stop the flight of the harpy blood sucking demons. Possibly even the Overlords of Evil will be forced to their winter retreats in, I assume, the Caribbean. Although, I’m not sure because I’ve never seen them having a swash with which to buckle. (If you get that joke, congratulations. You’re as crazy as I am.)

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