Autumn has been a long time in coming to Central Texas. The
nights are slowly getting cooler, but not cold enough (yet) to knock off the
flying vampires who swarm in the early evenings threatening to turn every inch
of exposed flesh into an itchy, swollen, anemic wasteland. Also, my son has
discovered a show called Monsters Inside Me. They talk about parasites and all
the joys that mosquitoes and the like heap onto people, so not only is there
now physical discomfort from bites, there’s also the psychological certainty
that you’re about to die.
Still, it’s been a while since I saw an Overlord of Evil
(scorpion) in the house.
That is until yesterday morning.
Every morning, Steve and I sit on our back porch and drink
our coffee/have breakfast while talking and watching the birds and wild life.
There’s a buck that has graced us with his presence a few times now, which is
pretty freakin’ magical. So yesterday, I opened the back door to go out, when an
Overlord of Evil made a mad dash towards me! He was running at full steam letting out a war
cry of “AAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!!!” Of course, you couldn’t really hear it because they’re
tiny and scream at a frequency that humans can’t really hear, but trust me, it
was there!
Did I mention it’s been getting colder? Well, like many
females, I have a condition that my husband refers to as ice cube foot.
Actually, he doesn’t say it out loud, but I know he’s thinking it in the middle
of the night when my feet turn into heat seeking missiles and find him. The
point is, I’m now wearing slippers in the morning. Slippers with soles.
Slippers that had a squelched Overlord of Evil on the bottom of them because it’s
just not ok to run into a person’s house before they’ve had a sip of coffee
screaming, “AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!” This is not a polite thing to do!
Honestly, etiquette is not dead. Manners matter people!
I don’t care the particular brand of evil anymore; I’ve had
enough of it. If evil comes tearing into my personal space, be it an Overlord,
a minion, ISIS, the IRA, the MLB, whatever! It will become a squelch on my
slipper that will subsequently be ground into the grass because I don’t even
want that shit touching my foot covering of blissful warmth. Unless it’s a
flying harpy of blood sucking demons, and then that’s getting squelched on my
hand and washed off ‘cause that’s personal!
As an aside, it was 4 degrees Celsius last night. There is hope spreading
throughout the land that it’s getting cold enough to stop the flight of the
harpy blood sucking demons. Possibly even the Overlords of Evil will be forced
to their winter retreats in, I assume, the Caribbean. Although, I’m not sure
because I’ve never seen them having a swash with which to buckle. (If you get
that joke, congratulations. You’re as crazy as I am.)