Tuesday, October 13, 2015

This is why I don't do drugs

Today I had to go to the dentist to get a filling. That in itself is pretty boring, I’ll admit, but the issue for me is that they can’t use lidocaine. If you’re unfamiliar with numbing agents, lidocaine is one of the most common currently used because the chances of having a negative reaction to it is, I was told, one in a million. So, I could make myself a t-shirt that says “One in a million!” and it would be true! And then I could sell the t-shirts! According to google, as of 2014 there were 318.9 million people in America. If I made $5 off every t-shirt (one in a million since everyone with a lidocaine allergy will obviously want one) that’s $1,594!

Hmmm….that’s not actually very much. But if everyone in the world bought one… Google says there are 7.3 billion people in the world. That’s a lot! Of course, not everyone has internet, or medical care, or money.

Ah, fuck it, I’m doing it anyway! 

One in a million tshirts
Join your tribe of freakish lidocaine intolerant people!

Yes, I created a Zazzle Store. (It's a bit sparse at the moment, I'll work on that little by little.) But someone already used the name “Whanau Farm” so I had to use my other company name “Batty4Arts.” Which could actually work out well since I can put some of our arty stuff on stuff and sell it to fund my craziness.

I completely forgot what I was talking about.

Oh, right! The dentist!

So two weeks ago, I had to get a couple of monster fillings, which meant that we all got to see what my reaction to a different type of “caine”, I think it’s cetacaine. Anyway! Good news! I didn’t have a reaction!

In case you’re wondering why I keep using “reaction” instead of “allergy” it’s because technically I’m not allergic to lidocaine. I had to go to an asshole allergist who told me a charming story when he noticed my belly ring. It went like this: “I knew a girl once who got her belly button pierced, and then she died.” Cool story, bro, tell it again! Anyway, he got all bitchy at me because I didn’t react in the office during the test. It was several hours later when my arm swelled up so much I couldn’t move it, and it was covered in a painful red rash. He claimed it was not an allergic reaction, but rather a delayed hypersensitive reaction. Whatever. All I care about is that it’s not used on me, especially in dental procedures. You know, around my wind pipe!

But cetacaine seems to be fine. So, this morning she pumped me full of the stuff. My teeth went all numb. Then my lips. Then my nose. Then my eye! The entire right hand side of my face was dead! Luckily, it was a small filling, so it didn’t take very long. When I sat up and tried talking, though, it was rather hilarious. I couldn’t move the right hand side of my face, which makes certain sounds difficult.

After the dentist, I had to go to the grocery store to pick up a few things. I checked myself out in the mirror before I went in because my face felt puffy and drooly and twitchy and sluggish. It was twitchy and sluggish, only a little drooly, though, and not really puffy so that was good. I went into the store, however, grateful that my foot wasn’t hurting because if I was puffy (it still felt puffy) and drooly and twitchy and sluggish AND limping I would be just a little too Quasimodo. I probably would not resist the urge to climb the nearest bell tower and scream “SANCTUARY!” at the top of my lungs. I don’t think it would’ve ended in Mai Tai’s and coconut oil, if you know what I mean.

This is why I don’t do drugs. Even numbing agents make me feel queasy and headachy. Not that I have any idea if that’s how drugs make you feel since the closest I’ve ever come is taking a single puff of a tobacco cigarette when I was 19. I decided it was gross and not for me. Of course, lots of people think alcohol is a drug. In that case, yeah. Scotch and wine are my nighttime buddies.

I don’t really have a point to all this. Basically, I went into HEB, and got some things (including Pumpkin Pie soda because I’m one of those seriously annoying people who actually enjoys everything is flavored like pumpkin spice season), but they didn’t have everything I needed, so I had to go to Wal-Mart, still numb, and got other stuff (including some pumpkin spice scented wax melts because, you know), and then I had to drive all the way to the post office to pick up two packages- the one that I wanted to pick up yesterday and another that came today so it all worked out in the end.

Today is pretty special, though. It’s the 9th anniversary of mine and Steve’s first date! Proof that Friday the 13th can be lucky. Yes, I know today is Tuesday, but our first date was on Friday and it was on the 13th of October, try to keep up, sweetness. So tonight is roast chicken and bubbly.  And maybe coconut oil if I can convince Steve that a back rub is the traditional 9th anniversary of a first date gift.  

1 comment:

  1. yes .. in fact the coconut oil massage is the traditional 9th anniversary of a first date gift ... I thought everyone knew that !