Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Fighting through the bog

I'm in a very dark spot right at the moment. This happens a lot, and it never gets any easier to deal with. Basically, it feels like I'm waist deep in a bog, still sinking, but trying to fight for each and every step. I know there's other people around me, but right now I'm as alone as ever. No one can take the steps for me, I have to do it myself, but right now I'm tired. I just want to lay down in the bog and let the mud take me.

I'm surrounded by successful people, and I'm really tired of that, too. All around me are people with great jobs, great kids, a great house, great friends- all the things I wish I had but don't. I've struggled for years to find a way to teach, I'm pretty much resigned to giving that up as an unfulfilled dream. I used to feel truly at peace when I danced, but even that has been thrown away. I thought I'd finally found a way to make some money, but it's wound up costing a fortune because no one wants what I make. No one wants me around, and I really can't blame them. If I could get away from myself, I would.

I read a blog called The Bloggess. Sometimes it helps me feel a little better, sometimes not. One thing she says is that "depression lies." I don't think I agree. I think for some people, yes, depression lies. And when you come out of your funk and realize that things are not all bad, you know that you're one of those people that depression lies to. I'm not. When I come out of my funk, everything is still the same and I'm as useless as ever. The only thing that changes is that I can ignore that fact a bit easier. So, for me, depression doesn't lie, it just puts reality into sharp focus.

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