Monday, August 24, 2015

Really need a break

It's been bad lately. Like, really bad. As in, why am I even fighting anymore, bad.

Hot on the tails of losing Ron, I had a doctor's appointment with a new endocrinologist. I had thyroid cancer when I was 17 which resulted in a total thyroidectomy. It also destroyed my parathyroids, so I take a lot of medication to stay alive. If that was the worst of it, it wouldn't be such a huge deal. Unfortunately, my body seems to be fighting me at every step of the way. For years my levels have been off, and playing around with my medication to try to fix it (without knowing what the problem actually is) has caused havoc. The problem is that I haven't been able to find a decent doctor who is willing to listen to me and to try to figure out what's going on. They just want the easy fix- which just makes things worse for me.

This new doctor is no different. The only difference is that she increased my medication so drastically that it really angered and upset me, and set me on a quest to find out for myself what the problem could be. I found out that it's very likely my pituitary gland is on overdrive (a common issue that's fairly easy to fix by all reports), but the endocrinologist is uninterested in exploring that option, and so is my GP. It feels like I'm fighting for my life against a well armed enemy with nothing but a bowl of jello and a teaspoon. It's exhausting.

I've also begun homeschooling my son, and had a sudden realization that either he has learned nothing in his years of school or is so beyond lazy that I'm not sure I can pull him out of it. "Using the map, what was the most recent area settled?" I don't understand the question. ACK! Maybe try? And every subject is the same. I hear "I dunno" and see more shrugs every day than Macy's in Fall. And every time I try to ask for help, I'm totally shot down. "It'll come," "There's nothing you can do," "You should probably rethink your curriculum," "No idea, have you seen this picture of a chicken?" Really not helpful or encouraging.

I attempted to make a new doll, a little shelf sitter. Total failure. I mean, total! I had to hand sew the whole thing because I have no idea where my sewing machine is after the move, and even if I did, I have nowhere to set it up; so it took me way too long to sew the pieces together. And it didn't work. I can't get the pieces to fit. Chalk up another disaster.

That's all I feel like at the moment: a disaster.

I can't get any of my big plans to work. I can't get any of my small plans to work. All around me, I watch people succeeding. Some of them have worked long and hard, others seem to get success without effort. Me? Failure. Every fucking time.

I'm so tired of this. I have no idea how to keep fighting. I don't know if it's even worth it. But I don't really know how to give up either. I've already lost everything I can give up without dying. I'm just so angry now I can't even think.

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