Take your capitalism and shove it

Sigh.

So, first there was water spitting out under the house. We had to get the plumbers in to patch the pipes, dig up the yard to find and remove the blockage, and clear out the grey water outlet pipe.

Then the electricity started playing up, so we had to get the electrician out here to fix it. There's still a plastic bucket in the yard that is serving as a temporary fix because three thousand dollars is a LOT of money right now. Turns out whoever wired this place had no idea what they were doing and what they did was illegal. I'd still like to find the inspector we hired before we bought this place and deafen him with my outrage.

Then, the toilets stopped working and we had to call the plumbers again. Who, again, had to dig up the yard trying to find the septic tank. Turned out the septic tank probably hadn't been emptied for 20+ years and was full to the top. Had to have it pumped out. Was not expecting the pumping to cost $350 and was further shocked when we received the $500 bill from the plumber!

This weekend, the water tank stopped filling up. The controller has been flaky since we moved in, and we suspect it was the original installed when the pump was drilled in 1986. Usually, we could leave it and it would suddenly realize there was something it was supposed to be doing, and would pump away for a while until the tank was full. We knew we'd have to replace it one day, but did it really have to be now? Looked online, controllers aren't expensive. Looking at maybe $100 or so, which normally would be ok, except with all the other emergency bills lately it's going to take some magic to arrange things so that we don't have a big problem. Of course, the water tank is now empty, we can't wait for one to come in the mail, but luckily they carry them at the hardware store, too. Yay!

For $250.

To my credit I didn't say anything in the store. I did let Steve pay, though, because I couldn't. I was barely controlling the hysterical scream that wanted to burst out of my chest like that alien in that movie... you know, Alien.

So what's next? What's going to finally send me over the edge? I know there's more, there's always more, and none of it is good.

Last month I thought we might actually be able to make it. We were finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and I was starting to feel like we were making head way. I had such good hopes for 2016, and February has murdered each and every one. It's the second month of the year, and I think I'll just sleep for the rest of it. I didn't realize that light at the end of the tunnel was a dollar sign.

Sometimes it's so stupid, it's hard to believe it's true

Ugh. You know those times when you see an ad online, and you know you really shouldn't click it, but you do anyway because you have no self control? Yeah, well...

Actual screen shot. 

The new blog craze! Where have these people been living for the last, what? 20 years?!

So, yeah, I clicked. I love this part, "thanks to a new blog platform called SiteBlog anybody can start a blog and have it online in minutes with no skills required." You know, kind of like all the other blogger sites that offer the same exact thing and have been around for yonks.*

And seriously? They're saying you can make $3,000 to $6,000 a month? Welcome to lala land! Population, these people!

Although, that being said, one of the bloggers I follow was saying she had a couple thousand EXTRA dollars to give to charity due to her blog. So maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's just her. Who knows?


*Yonks is a scientific term** meaning a lot, or, as in this case, a long time.

**Not actually a scientific term.

Failed Crows and Kitten Craziness

I know the saying says that when you own a home, you're always fixing something. But is it really normal for so much to go so wrong in the first year of owning a house?

This morning our toilets stopped working. That's kind of a big deal when all three of you spend all day at home. So, for the second time in 6 months, we had to call the plumbers out. It took them 4 hours just to find the stupid septic tank, and when they did, oh my. It's full. As in completely! The toilets stopped working because the pipes were full! It looks like this thing has never been pumped. We should've known this was going to be a problem when we bought the place and no one knew where the septic tank was. Joy. This comes on the tail end of some large and unexpected bills that have tapped us out and I made the announcement this morning that there is zero spending until payday. I'm not even sure how we're going to get groceries, we might just have to make do with what we've got for a few extra days.

So, to make myself feel better, I decided to watch some of our videos that I've been trying to share but my computer hates me so it's failed every time. Let's see if it will work now. I apologize in advance if I got your hopes up for nothing.

First up, failed crowing. The roosters are trying their voices, but they're not very good yet. Here is Denzel greeting the morning.

Jynx is making herself part of the tribe quickly!

Even Asha secretly loves her. I've caught them playing a few times, but Asha won't admit to it. 

And if a kitten chasing a ball can't make you smile, what can? 

I apologize for the video wobble. Apparently, I do not make a good cinematographer. 

And before you say it, yes, she was an added expense we didn't need. But, as I said, the large bills took me by surprise. We were in a much better position a few weeks ago. But, that's the way it goes, I guess. And she really has earned her keep. I didn't really realize how much I needed her.

Taking cats by the horns

Ok, this has just gotten silly. Orange cats are a menace! Apparently, the little cat that adopted us and we named Lucy is actually named Frank- we should have had a closer look! Our neighbors were out of town and something ate all the cat's food, so he came over here for a full belly and a warm bed until they got home. As soon as he saw their truck pull in, his whole demeanor changed and he went home.

It was kind of weird.

Even stranger is that our neighbor living across the street in the middle of nowhere in the middle of Texas grew up in El Cajon- I grew up in neighboring city Santee! Small world.

So, once again we found ourselves down an animal.

It didn't last long!

Introducing Jynx, our actual new family member. We went to the shelter on Monday, and she came home on Tuesday. She was found mid-January under an RV with 4 other kittens. She's only 11 weeks old. Our crazy chaotic house is a little much for her, but I'm sure it won't take her long to fit in. She was the most outgoing kitten in the room at the shelter.

Toby's already decided she's his new best friend (they won't have actual contact for a while yet, but he spends a lot of time hanging out by the play pen where she's getting used to everyone). She's not entirely sure he's to be trusted, but she's curious about him.

And poor Asha, our older cat. When Steve had her fixed as a kitten, they found she'd already gotten pregnant. It's made her extremely maternal. So even though she's not sure she likes having another animal in the house, she's very interested in the new baby.

I think everyone will be just fine.

PS Anytime Frank wants to come over, he's still welcome. We've all agreed, though, that from now on anytime an orange cat shows up, we'll assume it's temporary!

Sometimes pets are such a pain

My mood is slowly improving, and the world is not looking as bleak as it was a week ago. Part of the reason for this, probably, is that we have a house guest/new family member. It's difficult to actually pin down what she is because we're waiting to see if anyone claims her. 

I'm thinking she's a new family member. 

Sunday evening, Steve called for me to come out on the back porch. I'm starting to understand what that tone of voice means. A skinny ginger cat was sitting in the carport meowing at him. Our son decided to go visit the cat, and she was very friendly. It was getting dark, though, so we came inside and assumed she'd go home. 

When we went to bed, "Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!" Outside our window. It was below freezing, and there's predators everywhere. A smart cat does not announce her presence to coyotes! I took some old towels and blankets out so she could curl up in them, and a small bowl of food thinking maybe she was hungry and would shut up and go to sleep if she had a full belly. She took to the food like she hadn't eaten in days, but did not shut up. 

It was a long night. 

Come morning, I thought surely she'd gone home. Nope. She adopted us. 

Anyway, long story short, she's now living in the lounge in the dog kennel while everyone gets used to everyone. Right now she's exploring the lounge while the dogs are in the bedroom with Steve. Even Asha's not too upset about the new member of the family. 

But then, Toby happened. 

Yesterday afternoon, Wednesday, he was outside for a long time. He came to the door barking, ran down the hall to the bedroom (where Steve was), and, according to Steve, started freaking out. Steve looked and he was covered with ants! We got him in the shower, and Steve washed all the ants off him and we thought it was done. 

Silly us. 

He was still pretty wired, but seemed to settle down when I gave him a treat. Then, we went to the bedroom because it was time to have a soak in the spa. Until Toby threw up, twice, and then went comatose. Seriously. No response, just laying there eyes glazed over. I was pretty sure we were about to lose him. 

It took 40 minutes before he started coming right. He's fine now, but he gave us one heck of a scare. 

I've walked all over the yard, and can't find the ant's nest he got into. We're thinking it's under the house, so this weekend's project will be to block up the dog's access to get under there. 

Damned dog. We love him. 

Probably better just to walk away

I’ve been fighting a serious bout of depression for the last few weeks. It’s hit me hard and is persisting much longer than normal. I've been plagued by the failure of everything lately. Seriously, even things that aren't in my control, but did well in the past have suddenly suffered catastrophic failure as soon as I become involved. Every time I think I can start to deal, though, “friends” on social media post some pretty hateful things that throw me back under the tires of self-loathing. 

First there was the American rant- all Americans are horrible people that think they rule the world. This person has met me, in person, several times and knows that I do not believe that America rules the world nor deserves to. It was a bit of an eye opener, though, to see that she really thinks so little of me.

Next was a “friend” who has been bugging me a bit lately with all her Republican HOORAH FOR US posts and religious zealotry. I posted that the medical system is so broken that if I had to go to the hospital, with my insurance, it’s a death sentence because we cannot afford to use our insurance. I took my son to the doctor for a rash, which they misdiagnosed, and they charged me $700 after the insurance paid their part! $700 for a misdiagnosis while insured is crazy! The second part of my post was discussing the fact that schooling is so expensive. My daughter went to trade school and is now in debt for years for a certificate that is close to being useless. I went to finish my associate’s degree at an online school who lied to me about the cost, after 6 weeks (not even a full term) the bills started showing, and I quit before it got any higher. It took me months to pay it off, with nothing to show for it. Anyway, this “friend” replied, in no uncertain terms, that I really didn’t matter because she has Medicaid which pays for everything.  She also received federal grants to go to school, for free- probably why she’s dropped out so often. I was explaining why socialism isn’t the evil she thinks it to be, she was arguing that it is the worst possible thing people can do. If you don’t get the irony, leave a comment and I’ll explain.

Then, yesterday I was starting to feel like maybe it was ebbing when yet another “friend” posted an article. I refused to read the article because the title was something along the lines of, “Your anxiety doesn’t mean you can be an asshole.” If that wasn’t enough to convince me not to read it, one of the comments underneath (among a list of “Yes. This!” and “Totally agree!”) said, beautifully, that maybe telling someone battling with anxiety that they don’t deserve friends is a bit too harsh. If anyone actually thinks I’m being an asshole while I try to talk myself off the edge because no one else even notices, then I’m sorry, I’m just trying to survive. So, you know, go fuck yourself darling.

The latest is the death of an icon, David Bowie. It is sad that he’s left the world, but that’s not really what’s so damned depressing. The worst part of it is all the people in my life who are so upset about it, their world is shattered, they can’t even! Yet when I ask for help because the dark place is calling, when I post that I’m seriously considering that cold dark place, no one gives a shit. Not one. People who know me, personally, care more about David Bowie than they do about someone they used to call friend. That’s the most tragic. But at least I know where I stand.

Last night, I was trying, again, to explain what it feels like to Steve. I tried to explain the all-consuming loneliness that defines my depression. I told him that I’m always lonely, no matter what. He said, “I hope I help.”

“Even you cannot stop it,” I told him. “You can’t fight the loneliness that lives inside my head.” Because that’s where it starts and stops. It’s like there’s a black hole in my brain that sucks up all the good so it never reaches me. There’s no fighting that.

While we were having this discussion, the dog, Zack, looked on with an air of derision. He was happy being allowed to sleep in warm peacefulness under a fleece Dr. Who blanket in the air stream of the heater. My battle with loneliness was a minor disturbance on his psyche. He does not understand the concept.

The dog can be so judgmental sometimes. 

52 weeks

I'm sitting on my couch, by the Christmas tree that has a few more days before it's packed away for another year, watching the grey blustery weather out the window, and browsing through the postings of friends on Facebook. Now that the hubbub of Christmas is over, the usual postings about resolutions and hopes for the coming year are revisiting. There's something almost reassuring about seeing the same things year after year, and the knowledge that the people who share them won't follow through on them. Resolutions are a promise that we're human and want to better ourselves, but accept that we probably won't.

I saw a post this morning, though, that is easy enough to do. We've all seen it- week 1 you deposit a dollar, week 2 deposit 2 dollars, and so on until week 52 you deposit 52 dollars. Well, our savings account has taken quite a hit this year with the new house, and it makes me nervous not having resources to fall back on in times of emergency. So, this is going to happen. Except I'm reversing it so that week 1 I'm depositing 52 dollars because I know that as we get back around to the holidays it will be hard to deposit 50, but easier to deposit single digit numbers.

To make sure that I do this, I created a weekly event on my Outlook. I've just been right through 2016. And as I worked my way through the year, I couldn't help but wonder what's in store for us.

My family has always had a Christmas tradition that each year we buy a new ornament for the tree representing something big that happened in the year. Looking at our tree now, I see my son's birth, mine and Steve's first Christmas together, the year we moved to the States, the year we moved to Texas, and this year- the year we bought Whanau Farm.

2015 was good to us. We have our forever home, we're all healthy, we have chickens clucking away in their awesome coop. Business wise, our website has had a major face lift and we can now easily sell online.

What surprises does 2016 have in store? There will be good and bad, there always are, but we always hope the good outweighs the bad. I have hopes for the year; things I really really want to happen. But I just have to wait along with everyone else to find out. And there's a comfort in that, too. There's a comfort in knowing that some things are out of our control, so we really can't worry about them.

And next year, we'll be seeing the same resolutions posts, the same hopes and dreams for the new year, and we'll be another year older and wiser.

Today, we're painting the lounge- getting away from plain beige and putting color back in! So, I'll sign off by wishing everyone a happy and safe New Year!


PS Steve just told me about the tornado in the Dallas area. Scary stuff! Stay safe out there, y'all. And to those who have lost loved ones, my heart goes out to you.