Evil creeps in

So, last night I wondered down to our bedroom for something and when I came out I noticed something laying on the floor that was roughly scorpion-ish. I'm paranoid about scorpions after 3 stings and multiple close encounters, and have decided that I hate them with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. I turned on the light bent down for a close look, and was confronted with a feather. It was a feather on the floor. This is how deep my paranoia runs.

So I flicked the light switch again. When I did so, however, two things happened simultaneously: movement and pain.

I experienced a sharp stinging sensation on my middle finger. This is not unusual. A previous owner, in their impeccable interior decorating taste (that's sarcasm by the way, it's sometimes hard to tell in writing) stuccoed the interior walls of the bedrooms. The outside of the house is covered in stucco several inches thick, the interior is coated in stucco; I'm afraid when we finally remove it, the house will be so light it will blow away!

But the movement. It wasn't that I saw movement exactly, more like I felt the presence of evil.

I turned the light back on, and AAAAHHHHHH! THE FUCKING SCORPION WAS ON THE LIGHT SWITCH! It was swinging it's tail around and flexing it's claws like, "HI THERE, FRIEND!"
I truly loathe them.

I screamed, as denoted by the "AAAAHHHHHH!" above. Steve came down the hall with a jandal (flip flop) to squish the offending beast since we've discovered that the scorpion "kills on contact" sprays do not, in fact, kill on contact and the demon bugs can remain fully capable of world domination for several minutes. Steve squashed the demon beast, but then held the shoe there for and extended moment. It was that moment that he realized it was positioned over his desk and that if it dropped, it would land under his desk and he would have to crawl around to fetch it since there's not chance of me doing it. He found a bit of paper and positioned it under the jandal (flip flop) to catch the remains of tiny monster. This is when we found out that deep treads on scorpion crushers (aka shoes) and thickly stuccoed walls result in a pissed off, but otherwise undamaged, scorpion. The damn thing was still waving it's tail and flexing it's claws singing, "SURPRISE MOTHER FUCKERS!" Steve squashed it again, but the only change was that the scorpion sang out, "Try that again, Mo Fo, and I will take that flipper (scorpions have no clue) and beat you with it!" Third time was the charm, though, probably because Steve leaned all his weight on it and wiggled it around. I'm pretty sure I heard a crunch, but I'm still not sure if it was the scorpion or Steve's shoulder.

In the end, the body of the Overlord of Evil did fall behind Steve's desk, and he did have to crawl under to retrieve it because that's just how evil they are. Even in death they have to get the last evil word in. No wonder the spiders look at them in evil awe.

Demolition

We have begun the demolition of the arches in front of the house!

So excited!

 We thought we'd start on them because we needed a job that had a small price tag after spending $7k on mini split units (so worth it by the way! Not only are they more efficient, quiet, and we have  unit in each room, but they do heat as well as cool so we won't freeze to death this winter). Unfortunately, the dry rot and insect damage inside the arches is so bad, we'll need to fix them sooner rather than later. Bum.

These posts aren't really giving much support.

Wasps nests, termite damage, and dry rot. Oh my!

Yeah, you really don't want it to look like that. 

The good news is that the condition improves the further up you go. When the guys installed the split units, they had to knock some pretty big holes in the ceiling of the porch to feed the pipes through, so we've got a pretty clear picture of the state the house is in. There's a lot of wasps nests, but no rot. That's something at least!

It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it!

 That's me, tired and dirty. It's exhausting work, but there's something oddly satisfying about slamming the side of the your house with a sledgehammer!

It's still getting too hot to work for very long outside, though. So, we also decided to test some paint colors in the lounge/kitchen.

Purple in the kitchen makes it feel regal. 

Green, grey, and black in the lounge. Believe it or not,
the black ceiling makes the room seem bigger!

We still need to get the actual paint and do the full job, but I'm looking forward to having color in my world again. We've been stuck in beige rental properties for so long, and it's always driven me slightly insane.

Mentally/emotionally, I'm not doing very well. I'm very angry (possibly why the sledgehammer is so appealing!) and I just can't seem to get motivated to do much of anything. It's highly frustrating. There's lots I should be doing, I'm sure, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Instead, I've been taking naps again. I'm fully intending to get my blood work done, and then drop my medication level again. I've also cancelled the appointment I had with a new endocrinologist. I found out he was in the same office as the last one, and I just cannot face that fight. Just thinking about it makes me tired. So, I'll just keep powering through and hope that something shifts soon.

Really need a break

It's been bad lately. Like, really bad. As in, why am I even fighting anymore, bad.

Hot on the tails of losing Ron, I had a doctor's appointment with a new endocrinologist. I had thyroid cancer when I was 17 which resulted in a total thyroidectomy. It also destroyed my parathyroids, so I take a lot of medication to stay alive. If that was the worst of it, it wouldn't be such a huge deal. Unfortunately, my body seems to be fighting me at every step of the way. For years my levels have been off, and playing around with my medication to try to fix it (without knowing what the problem actually is) has caused havoc. The problem is that I haven't been able to find a decent doctor who is willing to listen to me and to try to figure out what's going on. They just want the easy fix- which just makes things worse for me.

This new doctor is no different. The only difference is that she increased my medication so drastically that it really angered and upset me, and set me on a quest to find out for myself what the problem could be. I found out that it's very likely my pituitary gland is on overdrive (a common issue that's fairly easy to fix by all reports), but the endocrinologist is uninterested in exploring that option, and so is my GP. It feels like I'm fighting for my life against a well armed enemy with nothing but a bowl of jello and a teaspoon. It's exhausting.

I've also begun homeschooling my son, and had a sudden realization that either he has learned nothing in his years of school or is so beyond lazy that I'm not sure I can pull him out of it. "Using the map, what was the most recent area settled?" I don't understand the question. ACK! Maybe try? And every subject is the same. I hear "I dunno" and see more shrugs every day than Macy's in Fall. And every time I try to ask for help, I'm totally shot down. "It'll come," "There's nothing you can do," "You should probably rethink your curriculum," "No idea, have you seen this picture of a chicken?" Really not helpful or encouraging.

I attempted to make a new doll, a little shelf sitter. Total failure. I mean, total! I had to hand sew the whole thing because I have no idea where my sewing machine is after the move, and even if I did, I have nowhere to set it up; so it took me way too long to sew the pieces together. And it didn't work. I can't get the pieces to fit. Chalk up another disaster.

That's all I feel like at the moment: a disaster.

I can't get any of my big plans to work. I can't get any of my small plans to work. All around me, I watch people succeeding. Some of them have worked long and hard, others seem to get success without effort. Me? Failure. Every fucking time.

I'm so tired of this. I have no idea how to keep fighting. I don't know if it's even worth it. But I don't really know how to give up either. I've already lost everything I can give up without dying. I'm just so angry now I can't even think.

Sad Face

Last Saturday, as Steve and I were about to climb into the spa for some relaxation time, there was a tiny squeaking cry under the back porch. Steve crouched down and saw the little orange face peeping back at him.

Seriously, how could I not fall in love?

We'd seen a little grey tabby cat going under the house, and had suspected that there may be kittens, which is why we didn't block it up yet. However, we hadn't seen her for a while. The day before, we saw a fox running down the road, and there was a lot of excited yipping overnight, which usually means the foxes or coyotes have found food. The fear is that the mama cat was on the menu.

I crouch down and called to the little orange face until he finally got close enough to grab. We went to the neighbors, asking if they knew of anyone with a grey tabby- maybe she was locked inside and they didn't know about the kittens? But no. The only cat she knew that matched that description was a stray that no one could get close to. So we had a new kitten! A half starved and very hungry kitten.

It was late, and in our little town, nothing is open late. He'd have to last through the night. We went first thing the next morning and got him some formula. He turned out to be a very good eater! And he seemed to perk up. He started playing, and was putting on weight. On Sunday, he weighed 6 and 5/8 ounces. By Wednesday, he weighed 7 and 1/2 ounces. Things were looking good. We named him Ron Weasley, after the character in Harry Potter.

He needed a bath. He was so infested with fleas, I was afraid he'd be anemic. It was stressful for him, but he got lots of love and came through feeling better for having less bugs on him.

I ordered a pet play pen so that he could have a safe area out in the living room with us, and slowly introduce him to Asha, our cat. Toby, one of the dogs, already seemed smitten with him, and Zack was curious. He was living in our bath tub, using the cat carrier for his den. I was really looking forward to having him out in the lounge where we could enjoy his company all the time.

Turns out, kitty kisses are a bit painful, but so worth it!

Thursday, things started to turn. He seemed really sleepy and didn't play as much as he had been. Friday morning was worse. He didn't try to fight me when I cleaned him up after his morning feed- that he didn't eat much of. We gave him some water, and that seemed to perk him up a bit, but he wasn't really reacting to our voices. We ran to the store to pick up a baby gate so we could leave the bathroom door open and keep the dogs out. When we got home he was dead.

I cried so hard on Friday, I pulled a muscle in my throat. Everyone keeps telling me that I did everything I could, I did everything I could, but really, I'll never know for sure. Yes, he was far undersized- we estimated his age at 4-5 weeks, at which point kittens should weigh around a pound, he was less than half that size. But I really believed he would pull through. I thought there must be a reason I was given this opportunity. And maybe this is that reason, but in that case, it sucks!

How something so small wiggled his way into my heart so fast, I'll never know. He's left a hole there, one I'll treasure, even though right now it still hurts a lot. He was incredibly special, my little Toa- a brave warrior. I couldn't save him.

Pure evil has invaded

I used to believe that spiders were proof that evil exists in the world; that spiders themselves were the embodiment of pure evil.

I was so very wrong.

Spiders are, in fact, merely the over worked minions of their terrible overlords: scorpions!

The overlords of terror, pain, and death have set up shop on the farm, have attacked me twice in bed resulting in 3 stings (no one else, just me, figures), and are proving difficult to evict.

We took a trip to California the week before last to watch my step-daughter graduate and visit with family. The night after we got back, a scorpion viciously attacked me in bed while I was reading, and stung me on the arm just above my elbow. The next day we set off foggers to evict all things creepy crawly, and I felt a bit safer. But not for long.

A week later, I was sound asleep in bed when, once again, I was viciously set upon by the commanding officer of pain, Overlord of Terror, Ser Scorpion Sonabitchshit himself! It was CRAWLING ON ME! I still taste bile in the back of my throat when I think of it. And when I shooed it off of me, not knowing fully that I was actively TOUCHING evil incarnate being mostly asleep, it stung my hand! I then became vaguely aware of immense pain on my thigh- I have no idea when it stung me there, but man it was painful! An inch higher and I would've reported him to the cops!

The next day, another one in the hall that I barely missed stepping on. They're the same color as the wood floors, so it's pretty dangerous. I got some UV flash lights at Wal-Mart, so now before bed I search the room. It is literally littered with bodies of scorpions. Apparently the foggers killed the ones that were already in, laying in wait to attack me in bed one by one, but the line apparently stretched out the door, and they're still coming!

Someone please remind me why I thought moving to the country was a good idea. The poison has reached my brain and I can no longer think clearly.

Struggling Out of the Darkness

We are officially living at the farm! We're surrounded by boxes, bags, and chaos, still need to clean the rental, but we're here. And I'm fighting a wave of depression and hopelessness.

I know most of it is brought on from the sheer physical exhaustion of moving, as well as the mental exhaustion of not knowing where anything is. Part of it is looking around the house and realizing how much work needs to be done on this place. And another part of it is the huge life style change, that although I was expecting, I don't think I fully understood.

We've killed 3 scorpions in the house this week. No snakes, yet, but I really don't like the scorpions either. At least we found some window screens for the front windows so we were finally able to open a few extra windows and get some air flow! Summer is definitely upon us, and it is getting HOT!

Anyway, hopefully as we get some of the boxes cleared away and start getting organized I'll start to feel a little better. It would be great for the scorpions to stay outside, too!

Days go by

We are only days away from The Big Move. I'm stressed. This was supposed to be an easy move. Most of our belongings are supposed to be at the new house already. We're supposed to have renovated a bathroom so at least we can have a decent shower after the heavy lifting of The Big Move. We were supposed to buy heat pumps so that we won't over heat and die in the Texas summer while trying to figure out this new farm life thing. None of that has happened.

There's some stuff that's been shifted. Quite a bit I thought, until I looked around at what's left to move and then I realized that we have way too much stuff. How did that happen? We got rid of so much before tackling the international move, got rid of even more when we moved across the country, and then we were very careful about not buying anything, but we still wound up with too much stuff!

Instead of redoing a bathroom, we ended up spending our weekends mowing the grass and repairing fences. We can't afford the bathroom now anyway! So we're stuck trying to take a shower in a tiny tub or a dark cell with no light source, both with horrible water pressure, and a dodgy hot water cylinder that cuts out when it gets bored.

And, of course, if we can't afford to do the bathroom, you know that means we can't afford the heat pumps either. There are 3 window ac units that we haven't tried so we have no idea if they even work. The one thing we do know about them is that they give all the charming Texas insects easy access to inside the house. It also means that even if the weather is ok, we can't open the windows. This wasn't supposed to be an issue this late in the game.

So, I'm stressed, I'm hot, and I'm really starting to not feel very good at all. I just want this week to be over with.